In the Book of Mormon, Alma teaches us a profound truth, "that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass;" (Alma 37:6) In Gottman's book the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work his research shows that the way to ensure a happy marriage is not by booking a two week beach vacation (although that can't hurt:) but by "each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life." Gottman calls it "Turning Towards Each Other." Is this something that you are doing on a daily basis? Click here to take the "Is Your Marriage Primed for Romance?" quiz from the book.
How do we get out of our self-centered world and turn towards each other? President Gordon B. Hinckley stated, "I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one's companion..." We can start by being kind and helpful and caring more about our spouse than we do ourselves. What we ultimately must do to truly turn to our spouse is to turn to the Savior. "The gospel of Jesus Christ is designed to lift our vision from our own petty and relentless wants to something nobler. "Every man seeking the interest of his neighbor, and doing all things with an eye single to the glory of God" (D&C 82:19)" (Goddard, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage)
It is easy for me to feel justified when I turn away from my husband. "He should have handled that better. Why did he do or say that?" It is more easy for me to be patient with myself than with him. Goddard goes on to teach,
"Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust God is working to rescue our spouses even as He is working to rescue us. When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner. The more we trust God's purposes in perfecting our partners (and don't try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress."
So there is it. I need to turn towards Christ so I can learn to love as He does. It isn't my job to perfect my spouse, it is my job, my privilege, to love and support him in all that he is and hopes to become. By "small and simple things" I will strive to turn towards my husband and watch as "great things are brought to pass."Ideas for "Turning Towards Each Other" (from Gottman)
- ask for or give a back-rub (can you tell I like back-rubs:)
- reply when your spouse makes a comment about something
- do small activities together such as washing dishes or watching tv
- be "truly present" when you're together...AKA turn off your phone!
- recognize when your spouse turns towards you and thank them for it
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