Thursday, April 21, 2016

Final Write Up for Marriage 300


Introduction

This marriage class has been an answer to my prayers. It came at a time in my life when I had been humbled enough to be ready to accept what the Lord wanted to teach me. Studying John Gottman's the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and H. Wallace Goddard's Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage has changed my life. Little by little Heavenly Father was working to soften my heart and allowing me to feel the love the Savior has for me. That love compelled me to want to be better. Each week as I worked on another of Gottman's principles, my eyes were opened to my own shortcomings and weaknesses that affected our marriage. My prayers had been focused on asking for a change in my husband. I began asking God for a change in my own heart.

In his book, Goddard states, “I believe the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person-to be born again-to be a new creature in Christ. When we are more godly, fewer things bother us. And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in helpful ways.” The purpose of this paper is to document the lessons I have learned in this marriage class and the strengths and weaknesses I bring to my relationship. I will then put forth a plan that will aid me in keeping my covenant to “cleave unto my (husband), and be one...” (Genesis 2:24)



Lessons Learned
Marital strengths
One of the greatest things I learned was how strong my marriage already was! Gottman's first three principles, (1)enhancing your love maps, (2)nurture your fondness and admiration, & (3)turn toward each other instead of away, were all areas we already excelled in.

There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood.” (Gottman, 2015) Knowing each other, from the ages of seven and nine, has aided us in building detailed “Love Maps” that we continually update. My “Fondness and Admiration” for my husband and his family started long before we ever knew we would be forever connected, and it continues to grow daily. I learned to not lose fondness during hard times. Marriage is meant to help you grow. Goddard teaches, “Through our labors and struggles, we will learn to know good from evil. We will suffer the bitter taste of evil. We will learn to enjoy the sweet fruits of goodness. We can choose and cherish the good.” (Goddard, 2009)

Early in our marriage I started to doubt my husband's love. It's so important to me to emotionally connect through deep, open communication and that doesn't come naturally to him. Growing up with three brothers and a single dad, (his Mom passed away when he was ten) my husband learned to be very independent. I interpreted his independence as him not truly loving me. A class assignment gave me the opportunity to “catch” my husband “Turning Toward Me.” I was sure this was an area of weakness for us and there wouldn't be much to document. I was shocked! When I started looking for the good, not only did I find it, it was abundant! Every day he turned towards me with acts of service, small and large. I realized he had always been turning towards me, being my friend, but I hadn't recognized it because it didn't come in the form I expected. The assignment forever changed what I will look for in our marriage.

After years of observing and scientifically studying marriages Gottman came to the conclusion that, “happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.” He elaborates, “In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don't just “get along”- they also support each other's hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together.” My perspective of how strong our marriage was changed when I realized that we do have a strong friendship, support each other and share the aspiration of becoming an eternal family.


My Marital Weaknesses
The area that my husband and I struggle in is dealing with conflict in our marriage. If things aren't right between us, my husband tends to turn inward and not want to talk through the problem, just hopes it will go away. Gottman found that “Avoiding conflict over a perpetual problem leads to emotional disengagement.” Reading that I felt justified in my frustration with my husband not communicating...until Gottman pointed out that a big part of the problem had to do with me being defensive and contemptuous, two of his four horsemen.

“Defensiveness in all its guises just escalates the conflict, which is why it's so deadly.” (Gottman, 2015) The second I feel even the lest bit attacked my defenses are up and I am ready to fight. I am so afraid of being “walked on” that I regularly (and often wrongly) perceive an attack when that was not the intent of my husband. What I recognized in tracking my actions was that every time I became defensive, my husband either became defensive back, or stonewalled and our problem remained unsolved.

The next area I became aware was a weakness for me was the feelings of contempt I brought to our marriage. Early on I fell into the trap of comparing the weaknesses in my marriage to the strengths I perceived in others marriages. “We enter marriage expecting our needs to be met. We even decide how they should be met. Then, when our partners are unable to meet all of our needs, we become resentful. Our distance and resentment are communicated in subtle – or direct – ways. But the message is clear: “You are not a very good spouse. You are a disappointment. Until you make some major changes, I cannot really love and appreciate you.” (Goddard, 2009) Initially I was hurt that my husband didn't seem to be available emotionally to me. Around the three year mark of our marriage I started blaming him for being “unwilling” to communicate with me. I think that is where the contempt entered in. Instead of continuing to be patience and inviting him to share, I either distanced myself or tried to demand communication. Neither of these methods have succeeded in helping him open up, and being contemptuous has pushed him away further.



Conclusion

"We will continue to be annoyed by our spouses unless we are humbled enough by our own limitations to call on heavenly grace." (Goddard, 2009) I had been humbled enough by my own limitations to call on heavenly grace. The Savior answered the call by supporting, strengthening and loving me in spite of my weaknesses. “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.” (John 13:34) I need to turn towards Christ so I can learn to love as He does. It isn't my job to perfect my spouse, it is my job, my privilege, to love and support him in all that he is and hopes to become. This class helped me to see and appreciate the good in my marriage and inspired me to become a better spouse. I have no doubt that Nicholas Hansen is a gift to me from Heavenly Father and I look forward to continuing our journey of becoming One!


Saturday, April 2, 2016

Accepting the Family that Created Your Spouse

"A couple is to become one in establishing their family as the basis of a righteous life.  Latter-Day Saint husbands and wives leave behind their single life and establish their marriage as the first priority in their lives.  They allow no other person or interest to have greater priority in their lives than keeping the covenants they have made with God and each other... 

In Genesis 2:24 God commanded man to "leave his father and his mother, and (shall) cleave unto his wife."  "Married couples should discuss what they will do to protect, maintain, and repair, (if necessary) the invisible boundary or fence that guards their marriage."  To create a strong marriage it is imperative that each spouse knows that they come FIRST to each other.


...Nonetheless, married couples continue to love and support their parents and siblings while focusing on their own families.  Similarly, wise parents realize that their family responsibilities continue throughout life in a spirit of love and encouragement." (Handbook 2: Administering the Church: 1.3 Establishing Eternal Families)


This was the creed we lived by as kids.  I could give my younger sister a hard time but the second any one else dared to, I was right there defending her.  Our marriages would be stronger if we applied this to our in-laws as well.  Our spouse has every right to vent to us about their family.  Our job is to listen in a supportive way without adding in our own observations of our in-law's weaknesses.  (That can be challenging, especially if your spouse has suffered abuse by their family.  In Helping and Healing our Families it states, "The supporting spouse must understand that his or her own anger about the past abuse does not help the spouse who was abused, but may make it harder for the abused spouse to communicate openly.  When spouses can be supportive and listen and not be emotionally reactive, they are better able to help the husband or wife who has experienced abuse...")  Helping to strengthen the relationship between your spouse and their family will ultimately strengthen your own marriage.

To DO'S to create strong bonds with in-laws:

  • set boundaries that help ensure your marriage is strong and happy, have regular contact and communication, disclose information about self, accept differences, use empathy, push for relational connection

To DON'TS to create strong bonds with in-laws:

  • be forceful, angrily avoid, take sides, be unwilling to accept differences

Hart, C. H. (2005). Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by the family: A proclamation to the world. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book