Humility and Gratitude

Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You
"...Emotionally intelligent (spouses) have figured out the one big thing: how to convey honor and respect."  (John Gottman)

What would keep someone from conveying honor and respect to the person they chose for their companion?

PRIDE!

• "Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves." (President Ezra Taft Benson. "Beware of Pride")
• "Selfishness is one of the most common faces of pride. "How everything affects me" is the center of all that matters--self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking."  (Benson)
• "We are tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them." (Benson)
• "It assumes that my needs are to be met--and my spouse must do whatever is necessary to assure that they are met." (H. Wallace Goddard)
• "The proud do not receive counsel or direction easily.  Defensiveness is used by them to justify and rationalize their frailties and failures." (Benson)

How do we push back against our culture of individualism and find happiness in our marriages?

CHOOSE TO BE HUMBLE!!

• "Humility is the friend of truth.  Humility opens us up to the experience of others and to truth from heaven."  (Goddard)
• Conquer enmity toward our (spouse), esteem them as ourselves, and lift them as high or higher than we are.
• Receive counsel and chastisement.
• Forgive those who have offended us.
• Render selfless service.
• Confess and forsake our sins and be born of God.
• Love God, submit our will to His, and put Him first in our lives.

What can we do when we cannot compel ourselves to be humble?

PRACTICE GRATITUDE!!!

• "It might sound contrary to the wisdom of the world to suggest that one who is burdened down with sorrow should give thanks to God.  But those who set aside the bottle of bitterness and lift instead the goblet of gratitude can find a purifying drink of healing, peace, and understanding."  (Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf, 2014.)

(Click here for President Benson's talk "Beware of Pride" and here for President Uchtdorf's talk "Grateful in Any Circumstance")

Looking for the Good!

Growing up with brothers and a single dad, (his Mom passed away when he was young) there wasn't much “feelings sharing” going on in my husband's childhood.  If things aren't right between us, he tends to turn inward and not want to talk about the problem, just hopes it will go away.  I was very interested in the weekly assignment to "watch for the ways your spouse turns towards you this week."  Would he "turn towards" me?  The results were shocking.

Not only did he turn towards me in little areas, such as helping with dinner, and taking the kids with him to basketball; he turned towards me in big areas by making me breakfast in bed on Valentine's Day and helping clean the kitchen (one of his least favorite activities) on a day that was crazy for me. When I was looking for the good, not only did I find it, it was easy to find and abundant! (I think Pollyanna has a quote like that:)

Being given this opportunity to “catch him” showing his love for me, will forever change what I look for in our marriage. Before this assignment I was unconsciously looking for signs that he didn't care about me. Please don't get me wrong, my husband is the man of my dreams, I have loved him ever since I was little. I think that very early in our marriage I started to believe I wasn't good enough for him. I didn't cook well enough, keep house as good as I should, play the piano, sing. That had to have been Satan putting those thoughts there. But I started to look for my husband's actions that reinforced what I believed. It actually makes me sad to realize how many years I have looked for the “turning away” moments instead of the “turning towards.” Thankfully because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I can repent and continue to acknowledge and be grateful for all the "turning towards" that is happening in my marriage.  I am so thankful to Heavenly Father for this paradigm shift in my life and for blessing me with such a wonderful husband who does cherish me.

Small & Simple Things

Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

In the Book of Mormon, Alma teaches us a profound truth, "that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass;" (Alma 37:6)  In Gottman's book the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work his research shows that the way to ensure a happy marriage is not by booking a two week beach vacation (although that can't hurt:) but by "each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life."  Gottman calls it "Turning Towards Each Other."  Is this something that you are doing on a daily basis?  Click here to take the "Is Your Marriage Primed for Romance?" quiz from the book.

How do we get out of our self-centered world and turn towards each other?  President Gordon B. Hinckley stated, "I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one's companion..."  We can start by being kind and helpful and caring more about our spouse than we do ourselves.  What we ultimately must do to truly turn to our spouse is to turn to the Savior.  "The gospel of Jesus Christ is designed to lift our vision from our own petty and relentless wants to something nobler.  "Every man seeking the interest of his neighbor, and doing all things with an eye single to the glory of God" (D&C 82:19)" (Goddard, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage)

It is easy for me to feel justified when I turn away from my husband.  "He should have handled that better.  Why did he do or say that?"  It is more easy for me to be patient with myself than with him.  Goddard goes on to teach,

"Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust God is working to rescue our spouses even as He is working to rescue us.  When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner.  The more we trust God's purposes in perfecting our partners (and don't try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress."  

So there is it.  I need to turn towards Christ so I can learn to love as He does.  It isn't my job to perfect my spouse, it is my job, my privilege, to love and support him in all that he is and hopes to become.  By "small and simple things" I will strive to turn towards my husband and watch as "great things are brought to pass."

Ideas for "Turning Towards Each Other" (from Gottman)

• ask for or give a back-rub (can you tell I like back-rubs:)
• reply when your spouse makes a comment about something
• do small activities together such as washing dishes or watching tv
• be "truly present" when you're together...AKA turn off your phone!
• recognize when your spouse turns towards you and thank them for it

"The Antidote to Contempt"

Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

If, sadly, you've recognized the "four horsemen" in your marraige, there is hope!  Gottman states, "...fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt.  If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree."  He goes on to challenge couples to "Catch your partner doing some little thing right and then offer a genuine appreciation..."

Last week our assignment was to, "consciously work on overlooking the traits/characteristics/faults of your partner that you find annoying and consciously work on nurturing your fondness and admiration for four to five days"

Here is an excerpt from my write up:  "This week I learned the power of holding positive thoughts for my spouse. We will be married sixteen years in April and right now we are on the fast track of life, even though by no means am I an over scheduler. With the childrens' needs, his work, the kids school, church callings, etc, life can feel overwhelming sometimes and it can be hard to carve out “Nick & Rebecca” time. It was so powerful this week basing my thoughts for Nick on fondness and admiration. When times got crazy at home, instead of being frustrated that he wasn't here, or was here and wasn't doing what I thought needed doing, I would focus on the things I cherished about him and it put everything else into perspective.  He has made my dreams come true and sacrifices so much for our family.  I found that it was true what the assignment note said, “the attitude in your mind and heart will be reflected in your actions.” When I thought positively towards my spouse, I felt more in love and I treated him more kindly!"

Principle 1: Enhancing Your Love Maps

"There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood." (John Gottman)  For this reason, Gottman's first principle requires a couple to create "Love Maps" of each other.  These "Love Maps" are where we store all the information we know about our spouse.  This could mean anything from remembering "major events in each other's history" down to knowing what their favorite candy bar is and everything in between.  Providing us an opportunity to focus more on our spouse's wants and needs and less on our own.  H. Wallace Goddard taught, "In striking the marriage bargain, we are (unknowingly) giving up the egocentrisms of childhood in favor of the charity of Godhood.  We make a covenantal step toward unselfishness."  How can we put our spouses needs first if we have 1. forgotten what they are; 2. know what they are but regard them with contempt; or 3. never took the time to learn them in the first place?

The great thing about this principle is it is easy and fun to do!

• Have a date night and play a version of "20 Questions"; whoever wins gets to pick the movie:)  
• Once you find out what they are, make a little gift basket of your spouses favorite things.  
• Help your spouse know you by writing up a "Getting to Know Me" quiz; tell your spouse they get a minute back massage for every answer they get right;)  
• Follow this link to spark some ideas for questions to ask.
• Let me know your ideas!!!

Gottman's research shows that "Keeping in touch...ensures you'll be well equipped to handle any problem areas that crop up in your relationship."  Being willing to take the time and effort to get to know your spouse and being open enough to let them know you, helps lay the foundation of friendship in your marriage.  So let the "Love Mapping" begin and lead you to a stronger, more connected marriage!

Changing Me

Finding out we were pregnant with twins sent me into some serious self-reflection. How was I going to be able to handle this? How would it affect our other children? Was our marriage as strong as it needed to be to support the challenges that would come? I knew some changes needed to be made. As I began the journey, I tried to make everyone else around me change. This did not go over so well. In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard states, “I believe the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person-to be born again-to be a new creature in Christ. When we are more godly, fewer things bother us. And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in helpful ways.” Logically I knew I couldn't change others, but it took a good five months before my heart softened enough to open up to the idea that it was ME who needed to change.

Little by little I worked at strengthening my relationship with Jesus Christ. I had to humble myself and admit that I could not do it on my own and ask for Him to help me. My desire was to ACT as the Savior would have me do and not REACT to whatever was happening around me. This has not been an easy change for me, and it is still something I work at every day. I have good days and bad days, but I will not give up. I know that through the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ we can repent and keep trying every day.

Next to my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in importance is my relationship with my husband. There is nothing I desire more than to be a good help-meet for him. One of our textbooks for this Marriage class is called the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman. After years of observing and scientifically studying marriages he came to the conclusion that, “happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.” He elaborates, “In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don't just “get along”- they also support each other's hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together.” Before getting into the seven principles (which we will study in the subsequent weeks) he lists some reasons marriages fail. Here's a video describing Gottman's “Four Horsemen" that end relationships and should be avoided!

In striving to change me and "be a new creature in Christ” as Goddard suggests and avoiding Gottman's "Four Horsemen" and applying his seven principles to my marriage, I am looking forward to the growth in my own life and in my marriage. I'll keep you posted:)