Unity through the Holy Ghost

Last week we had to turn in a paper addressing our marital strengths and weaknesses.  Here's an excerpt from mine: "The area that my husband and I struggle in is dealing with conflict in our marriage.  If things aren't right between us my husband tends to turn inward and not want to talk through the problem, just hopes it will go away.  Gottman found that "Avoiding conflict over a perpetual problem leads to emotional disengagement."  Learning that I felt justified in my frustration with my husband not communicating...until Gottman pointed out that a big part of my husband not opening up had to do with me being defensive and contemptuous, two of his four horsemen."

How can we resolve conflicts in our marriage and be unified when we come at things so differently?

Elder Eyring in his talk, That We Might Be One, had some great counsel for achieving unity.  "If we are to have unity, there are commandments we must keep concerning how we feel.   We must forgive others and bear no malice toward those who offend us.  The Savior set the example from the cross: "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34).  We do not know the hearts of those who offend us.  Neither do we know all the sources of our own anger and hurt."   

It really struck me that we don't fully know what's going on in our spouses hearts AND we don't always know where our own anger or hurt come from. Case in point: Hairstyle #6ish (in less than a year)

 I wasn't too pleased with the cut and was feeling pretty down.  I called Nick and told him that at least the salon owner had come over and told me I was pretty.  Nick said, "That's a great way to get people to keep coming back, just walk around and tell everyone how pretty they are."  Instantly, my feelings were hurt and I assumed he didn't think the comment was genuine.  I realized later, had I felt confident with the new hairstyle Nick's comment wouldn't have hurt at all, I probably would have replied lightheartedly - "Um excuse me, don't you think I'm pretty foxy!"  Its made me step back and assess where I am at emotionally when I start to feel sensitive towards Nick's words or actions.

How do I forgive others, bear no malice and come to know my spouses heart and my own?

In my life I have found that it has come through the gift of the Holy Ghost.  "The keys of the Priesthood (the power and authority to act in the name of God) are on the earth today.  By its power we can make covenants which allow us to have the Holy Ghost constantly.  Where people have that Spirit with them, we may expect harmony...The Spirit of God never generates contention (see 3 Nephi 11:29).  It leads to personal feelings of peace and a feeling of union with others.  It unifies souls."  (That We May Be One)

I feel certain that one of the greatest blessings of doing school for me is that I made a commitment to read my scriptures everyday before I start my school work.  I know that scripture study has invited the Holy Ghost to be more of a constant companion to me and I believe that is why I am being able to learn and apply the things that God is teaching me.  It is helping me to not be so defensive and to have more love and patience for my family.  I am so grateful for that gift in my life and the unity it is bringing to my marriage.

Fidelity

The family is ordained of God. Marriage between a man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. ...We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God.” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World, Ensign, Nov 1995, 102.)

“Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact (with someone other than your spouse) – but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife.” (Matheson, K. 2009)

“Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.” (Doctrine & Covenants 42:22)

I believe it is becoming increasingly more difficult to “cleave unto your spouse and none else.” There are so many other things that are easier to “cleave” to (friends, social media, gym time, work, to name a few) because they require less effort than a marriage does.  Satan knows that if he can prevent us from giving our whole selves to our spouse, he keeps us from experiencing “great happiness in this life and throughout eternity.” (search Marriage @ lds.org)

“Fidelity may seem to be confining. It always will – unless we adopt God's perspective. “Through the lens of spirituality we see all the commandments of God as invitations to blessings.” Those who have loved faithfully and patiently reap a harvest of joy and companionship.” (Goddard)

Questions Goddard suggests asking yourself to check your complete fidelity:

• Have you set a standard for yourself to avoid spending time alone with a person of the opposite sex?
• Have you carefully monitored your words and actions to be sure that you do not flirt with anyone but your spouse?
• Do you carefully keep yourself out of situations where flirting and immorality are common or acceptable?
• Do you avoid websites, movies, and entertainment that turn intimacy into a matter of lust?
• Do you share appreciation for your spouse with friends so that they know of your commitment and affection for her or him?

Because He First Loved Us!

"At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship."  (John Gottman)

"I believe that the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person-to be born again-to be a new creature in Christ.  When we are more godly, fewer things bother us.  And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in helpful ways."  (H. Wallace Goddard)

Studying Gottman's the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and Goddard's Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage has been an answer to my prayers.  They came at a time in my life when I have been humbled enough that I was ready to accept what the Lord wanted to teach me: Humility and Charity.

My Journey to HUMILITY
I shared previously the reason I was compelled to begin an improvement journey was because we found out we were pregnant with twins.  At the time, we had five children, ages 12, 10, 4, 3 & 1 and I was feeling that life was blissfully chaotic, heavy on both.  (We had waited years for our number 3 and were so happy that 4 & 5 came quickly after!)  I had struggled over the years feeling that Nick and I were not connected as much as we needed to be.  The month before getting pregnant I had been called to fulfill a church calling that required quite a bit of time and energy.  I was barely staying afloat with the "status quo" and was very aware that adding two more babies was going to be just about beyond my own abilities.  And I was right.  For the first time in my life, I wasn't strong enough on my own.  Thankfully I had been taught and had practice in turning to the One who is strong enough.

Little by little Heavenly Father was working to soften my heart and allowing me to feel the love the Savior has for me:

That love compelled me to want to be better.  Each week as I worked on another of Gottman's principles, my eye's were open to my own shortcomings and weaknesses that affected our marriage.  My prayers before had been asking for a change in my husband.  I started asking God for a change in my own heart.

"Rather than re-working our partners to our liking, we are invited to cover their weaknesses with our charity!"  (Goddard)

"We will continue to be annoyed by our spouses unless we are humbled enough by our own limitations to call on heavenly grace."  (Goddard)  I was humbled enough by my own limitations to call on heavenly grace.  The Savior answered the call by supporting, strengthening and loving me in spite of my weaknesses.  All He asks in return is that I love my fellowman, especially the man I have chosen to be my eternal companion.

Gottman and Goddard both stress the importance of accepting your spouse not expecting them to change. The path to having the strong marriage I desire is not by trying to change my spouse, but by asking God to allow me to see Nick the way the Savior sees him; with CHARITY.

Soften Your Start-Up!

"Avoiding conflict over a perpetual problem leads to emotional disengagement.  The couple's trust in each other and the relationship declines as they become increasingly trapped in the negativity..."  John Gottman
Gottman's research found that it is very important for couples to address their areas of conflict.  Pushing them under the proverbial rug only leads to emotional disengagement in the relationship.

Spending the last week becoming more aware of  the my "conflict" style, has made me evaluate our interactions with a different perspective.  What I've noticed is I will get bothered by something but instead of bringing it up, I try to push it away thinking that it is just me being petty.  The problem becomes that the four horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, come charging out of me.

Our "Sassy" Wicked Witch of the West!

Case in point: Our daughter was in the play "The Wizard of Oz" last Saturday night.  I was trying to get all the kids ready so we would be on time.  I began to feel frustrated that Nick was still outside working on the car*.  In the stress of the moment, I was thinking, "He doesn't care if we're late.  Why doesn't he think it's important to support our daughter?  Can't he see I need help getting everyone ready?"  I ended up leaving first with all the kids and he didn't make it to his seat until after the lights had gone down.  I'm pretty sure I rolled my eyes (contempt) as he made his way down the aisle and made some snide remark (criticism) when he took his seat.  If my goal was letting Nick know I was irritated: Accomplished!  If my goal was having Nick buy into helping our family not be late again: Failed!

Trying to disregard our perpetual problems isn't achieving my goal of a strong and connected marriage.  We need to learn how to discuss these issues.  Implementing Gottman's 1st principle for solving your solvable problems seems a good way to begin:

Soften your start-up 

It's all in the presentation!  Gottman suggest that being gentle is what most often produces results.  Also, imperative that the four horsemen do not enter the conversation!  He says the best soft start-up has four parts:  (1) "I share some responsibility for this..." (2) Here's how I feel... (3) about a specific situation and ...(4) here's what I need...(positive need, not what you don't need.)

Implementation:  "Nick, (1)I know I need to manage my time better so I'm not so flustered trying to get everybody ready on time.  (2)I feel so embarrassed when we walk in late to something, (3) such as the play.(4)  I need for you to be ready to go on time and I would love help in getting the kids ready."

Hopefully softening my start up will help us begin to solve our solvable problems instead of bumping into them time and time again.

*Nick was working on the car!  He had spent the whole day before helping one of my friend's husband to lay a flagstone patio in his backyard. He had many things that needed doing around our house and he had spent all Saturday working. When I was frustrated that he wasn't helping me, the man was out changing the oil! He wasn't watching TV or being lazy, he was working for our family.  Probably in this situation, I should have just focused on the fact that I have a hard working husband and been grateful for how he was spending his time!

A few other things Nick does:

Landscapes & Maintains our Backyard:

Invents tools to get a tennis ball out of our sewer lines (Don't ask!).  Replaces our sewer line:

Remodels our house:

Provides for and protects his family: 

Yep!  I should focus on being grateful!!!

Giving Our All!

My Mother has always thought me a much better person than I really am.  She focuses on my good qualities and makes me feel like I am doing a great job at succeeding in life.  She motivates me to become the person she already thinks I am.  How can my Mother treat me this way when she has a front row seat in viewing my weaknesses?  After reading Goddard's chapter on "Consecration", I think it is because she has given her all and held nothing back in raising and loving her children.

The question I have to ask myself is, "If I know first hand how wonderful and motivating it is to be treated this way, why is it so hard to implement her strategy in my marriage relationship?"  Goddard explains: 

"We enter marriage expecting our needs to be met.  We even decide how they should be met.  Then, when our partners are unable to meet all of our needs, we become resentful.  Our distance and resentment are communicated in subtle - or direct - ways.  But the message is clear: "You are not a very good spouse.  You are a disappointment.  Until you make some major changes, I cannot really love and appreciate you."

Unfortunately, this is exactly the mindset I took with me into marriage.  I was expecting every problem that I ever had to be solved pretty much overnight.  Unlike my Mother, who was always more concerned about her children's needs than her own, I was keenly aware of my needs and if my husband was meeting them or not.  If they weren't being met, I felt I had the right to let him know where he was lacking.  I'm not sure about you, but I have very little desire to change for someone who thinks that I already don't measure up.

John Gottman's 5th Principle is "Solve Your Solvable Problems."  He says this boils down to having good manners and treating your spouse with the same respect you offer to company.  Goddard expands, 

"Rather than tracking every investment in our marriage, we give gladly and wholeheartedly.  We give everything we have and are.  And we ask God to increase our capacity so we can give yet more."

If, like my Mother, I focus on giving my all to my husband and holding nothing back, I believe I will lose my self; The self-serving and prideful self that I don't want to be.  Only then will I find the kind and loving self, the one I desire to be (and the one my husband appreciates) shining through!