Nick & Becca: Soften Your Start-Up!

"Avoiding conflict over a perpetual problem leads to emotional disengagement. The couple's trust in each other and the relationship declines as they become increasingly trapped in the negativity..." John Gottman
Gottman's research found that it is very important for couples to address their areas of conflict. Pushing them under the proverbial rug only leads to emotional disengagement in the relationship.

Spending the last week becoming more aware of the my "conflict" style, has made me evaluate our interactions with a different perspective. What I've noticed is I will get bothered by something but instead of bringing it up, I try to push it away thinking that it is just me being petty. The problem becomes that the four horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, come charging out of me.

Our "Sassy" Wicked Witch of the West!

Case in point: Our daughter was in the play "The Wizard of Oz" last Saturday night. I was trying to get all the kids ready so we would be on time. I began to feel frustrated that Nick was still outside working on the car*. In the stress of the moment, I was thinking, "He doesn't care if we're late. Why doesn't he think it's important to support our daughter? Can't he see I need help getting everyone ready?" I ended up leaving first with all the kids and he didn't make it to his seat until after the lights had gone down. I'm pretty sure I rolled my eyes (contempt) as he made his way down the aisle and made some snide remark (criticism) when he took his seat. If my goal was letting Nick know I was irritated: Accomplished! If my goal was having Nick buy into helping our family not be late again: Failed!

Trying to disregard our perpetual problems isn't achieving my goal of a strong and connected marriage. We need to learn how to discuss these issues. Implementing Gottman's 1st principle for solving your solvable problems seems a good way to begin:

Soften your start-up

It's all in the presentation! Gottman suggest that being gentle is what most often produces results. Also, imperative that the four horsemen do not enter the conversation! He says the best soft start-up has four parts: (1) "I share some responsibility for this..." (2) Here's how I feel... (3) about a specific situation and ...(4) here's what I need...(positive need, not what you don't need.)

Implementation: "Nick, (1)I know I need to manage my time better so I'm not so flustered trying to get everybody ready on time. (2)I feel so embarrassed when we walk in late to something, (3) such as the play.(4) I need for you to be ready to go on time and I would love help in getting the kids ready."

Hopefully softening my start up will help us begin to solve our solvable problems instead of bumping into them time and time again.

*Nick was working on the car! He had spent the whole day before helping one of my friend's husband to lay a flagstone patio in his backyard. He had many things that needed doing around our house and he had spent all Saturday working. When I was frustrated that he wasn't helping me, the man was out changing the oil! He wasn't watching TV or being lazy, he was working for our family. Probably in this situation, I should have just focused on the fact that I have a hard working husband and been grateful for how he was spending his time!

A few other things Nick does:

Landscapes & Maintains our Backyard: