Giving Our All!

My Mother has always thought me a much better person than I really am.  She focuses on my good qualities and makes me feel like I am doing a great job at succeeding in life.  She motivates me to become the person she already thinks I am.  How can my Mother treat me this way when she has a front row seat in viewing my weaknesses?  After reading Goddard's chapter on "Consecration", I think it is because she has given her all and held nothing back in raising and loving her children.

The question I have to ask myself is, "If I know first hand how wonderful and motivating it is to be treated this way, why is it so hard to implement her strategy in my marriage relationship?"  Goddard explains: 

"We enter marriage expecting our needs to be met.  We even decide how they should be met.  Then, when our partners are unable to meet all of our needs, we become resentful.  Our distance and resentment are communicated in subtle - or direct - ways.  But the message is clear: "You are not a very good spouse.  You are a disappointment.  Until you make some major changes, I cannot really love and appreciate you."

Unfortunately, this is exactly the mindset I took with me into marriage.  I was expecting every problem that I ever had to be solved pretty much overnight.  Unlike my Mother, who was always more concerned about her children's needs than her own, I was keenly aware of my needs and if my husband was meeting them or not.  If they weren't being met, I felt I had the right to let him know where he was lacking.  I'm not sure about you, but I have very little desire to change for someone who thinks that I already don't measure up.

John Gottman's 5th Principle is "Solve Your Solvable Problems."  He says this boils down to having good manners and treating your spouse with the same respect you offer to company.  Goddard expands, 

"Rather than tracking every investment in our marriage, we give gladly and wholeheartedly.  We give everything we have and are.  And we ask God to increase our capacity so we can give yet more."

If, like my Mother, I focus on giving my all to my husband and holding nothing back, I believe I will lose my self; The self-serving and prideful self that I don't want to be.  Only then will I find the kind and loving self, the one I desire to be (and the one my husband appreciates) shining through!