Introduction
This
marriage class has been an answer to my prayers. It came at a time
in my life when I had been humbled enough to be ready to accept what
the Lord wanted to teach me. Studying John Gottman's the
Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and
H. Wallace Goddard's Drawing
Heaven into Your Marriage has
changed my life. Little
by little Heavenly Father was working to soften my heart and allowing
me to feel the love the Savior has for me. That
love compelled me to want to be better. Each week as I worked on
another of Gottman's principles, my eyes were opened to my own
shortcomings and weaknesses that affected our marriage. My prayers
had been focused on asking for a change in my husband. I began
asking God for a change in my own heart.
In
his book, Goddard states, “I believe the key to a healthy
relationship is being
a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person-to be born again-to be a new
creature in Christ. When we are more godly, fewer things bother us.
And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in
helpful ways.” The
purpose of this paper is to document the lessons I have learned in
this marriage class and the strengths and weaknesses I bring to my
relationship. I will then put forth a plan that will aid me in
keeping my covenant to “cleave unto my (husband), and be one...”
(Genesis 2:24)
Lessons
Learned
Marital
strengths
One of the greatest things I learned was how strong my marriage
already was! Gottman's first three principles, (1)enhancing your
love maps, (2)nurture your fondness and admiration, & (3)turn
toward each other instead of away, were all areas we already excelled
in.
“There
are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that
comes from feeling known and understood.” (Gottman, 2015) Knowing
each other, from the ages of seven and nine, has aided us in building
detailed “Love Maps” that we continually update. My “Fondness
and Admiration” for my husband and his family started long before
we ever knew we would be forever connected, and it continues to grow
daily. I learned to not lose fondness during hard times. Marriage
is meant to help you grow. Goddard teaches, “Through our labors
and struggles, we will learn to know good from evil. We will suffer
the bitter taste of evil. We will learn to enjoy the sweet fruits of
goodness. We can choose and cherish the good.” (Goddard, 2009)
Early
in our marriage I started to doubt my husband's love. It's so
important to me to emotionally connect through deep, open
communication and that doesn't come naturally to him. Growing up
with three brothers and a single dad, (his Mom passed away when he
was ten) my husband learned to be very independent. I interpreted
his independence as him not truly loving me. A class assignment gave
me the opportunity to “catch” my husband “Turning Toward Me.”
I was sure this was an area of weakness for us and there wouldn't be
much to document. I was shocked! When I started looking for the
good, not only did I find it, it was abundant! Every day he turned
towards me with acts of service, small and large. I realized he had
always been turning towards me, being my friend, but I hadn't
recognized it because it didn't come in the form I expected. The
assignment forever changed what I will look for in our marriage.
After
years of observing and scientifically studying marriages Gottman came
to the conclusion that, “happy marriages are based on a deep
friendship.” He elaborates, “In the strongest marriages, husband
and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don't just “get
along”- they also support each other's hopes and aspirations and
build a sense of purpose into their lives together.” My
perspective of how strong our marriage was changed when I realized
that we do have a strong friendship, support each other and share the
aspiration of becoming an eternal family.
My Marital
Weaknesses
The
area that my husband and I struggle in is dealing with conflict in
our marriage. If things aren't right between us, my husband tends to
turn inward and not want to talk through the problem, just hopes it
will go away. Gottman found that “Avoiding conflict over a
perpetual problem leads to emotional disengagement.” Reading that
I felt justified in my frustration with my husband not
communicating...until Gottman pointed out that a big part of the
problem had to do with me being
defensive and contemptuous, two of his four horsemen.
“Defensiveness
in all its guises just escalates the conflict, which is why it's so
deadly.” (Gottman, 2015) The second I feel even the lest bit
attacked my defenses are up and I am ready to fight. I am so afraid
of being “walked on” that I regularly (and often wrongly)
perceive an attack when that was not the intent of my husband. What I
recognized in tracking my actions was that every time I became
defensive, my husband either became defensive back, or stonewalled
and our problem remained unsolved.
The
next area I became aware was a weakness for me was the feelings of
contempt I brought to our marriage. Early on I fell into the trap of
comparing the weaknesses in my marriage to the strengths I perceived
in others marriages. “We enter marriage expecting our needs to be
met. We even decide how
they should be met. Then, when our partners are unable to meet all
of our needs, we become resentful. Our distance and resentment are
communicated in subtle – or direct – ways. But the message is
clear: “You are not a very good spouse. You are a disappointment.
Until you make some major changes, I cannot really love and
appreciate you.” (Goddard, 2009) Initially I was hurt that my
husband didn't seem to be available emotionally to me. Around the
three year mark of our marriage I started blaming him for being
“unwilling” to communicate with me. I think that is where the
contempt entered in. Instead of continuing to be patience and
inviting him to share, I either distanced myself or tried to demand
communication. Neither of these methods have succeeded in helping him
open up, and being contemptuous has pushed him away further.
Conclusion
"We
will continue to be annoyed by our spouses unless we are humbled
enough by our own limitations to call on heavenly grace."
(Goddard, 2009) I had been humbled enough by my own limitations to
call on heavenly grace. The Savior answered the call by supporting,
strengthening and loving me in spite of my weaknesses. “A new
commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have
loved you, that ye also love one another.” (John 13:34) I need to
turn towards Christ so I can learn to love as He does. It isn't my
job to perfect my spouse, it is
my job, my privilege,
to love and support him in all that he is and hopes to become. This
class helped me to see and appreciate the good in my marriage and
inspired me to become a better spouse. I have no doubt that Nicholas
Hansen is a gift to me from Heavenly Father and I look forward to
continuing our journey of becoming One!
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