FAML 220 - Parenting

My Introduction to my classmates:

"My plate is wonderfully/chaotically full with a hard working & fun husband, 7 rambunctious & lovable kids (Bigs: 14 & 13, Littles: 7,5, 3, & Twins: 1 1/2 year-old) and a busy church calling. I started BYU-I online last year, majoring in Marriage and Family Studies and have loved learning things that have benefited my life in real time.  Needless to say, I have high hopes for this parenting class!

My days consist of diaper changing, cleaning, cooking, listening, sometimes yelling, teaching, reminding, holding, praying, soothing, disciplining, learning, crying, whining, building, hugging, and always loving.  I'm grateful for date nights with the husband, the power of prayer, scripture study, and that because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ I can repent and try again the next day."

“Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. 'Children are an heritage of the Lord' (Psalms 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness and provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live." (Proclamation) 

In teaching the importance of the family, Elder Richard G. Scott (April 2001) asked, “Are there so many fascinating, exciting things to do or so many challenges pressing down upon you that it is hard to keep focused on that which is essential? His comment lead me to ponder what I am putting first in my life. Am I getting so caught up in my daily responsibilities that I am neglecting to teach my children the joy of the gospel of Jesus Christ?

Nick and I looked forward to starting our family very quickly after we got married.  Two little girls came within the first three years.  Life was busy with meeting the needs of our girls, Nick attending school, and both of us serving in church callings but pretty quickly after the second we thought we were ready for a third.  Apparently Heavenly Father didn't agree.  Our third child was born almost 6 years later with 4 more children to follow him within the next five years.  

I believe Heavenly Father gave me that time between children to realize how much I valued being able to be a mother and what a blessing it is to have children.

Being in the thick of raising our children right now, I have to admit that I have good days and bad.  I never wish for this season of my life to be over, but I do look forward to the close of certain days.  My testimony of Motherhood and the testimony that I have Heavenly help gets me through the crazy days.

In October 2011 General Conference, Elder Andersen quoted a blogger who stated, "Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for."

I recommit myself to keeping focused on the essentials of life: FAMILY!

Final Write Up for Marriage 300

Introduction

This marriage class has been an answer to my prayers. It came at a time in my life when I had been humbled enough to be ready to accept what the Lord wanted to teach me. Studying John Gottman's the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and H. Wallace Goddard's Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage has changed my life. Little by little Heavenly Father was working to soften my heart and allowing me to feel the love the Savior has for me. That love compelled me to want to be better. Each week as I worked on another of Gottman's principles, my eyes were opened to my own shortcomings and weaknesses that affected our marriage. My prayers had been focused on asking for a change in my husband. I began asking God for a change in my own heart.

In his book, Goddard states, “I believe the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person-to be born again-to be a new creature in Christ. When we are more godly, fewer things bother us. And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in helpful ways.” The purpose of this paper is to document the lessons I have learned in this marriage class and the strengths and weaknesses I bring to my relationship. I will then put forth a plan that will aid me in keeping my covenant to “cleave unto my (husband), and be one...” (Genesis 2:24)

Lessons Learned

Marital strengths

One of the greatest things I learned was how strong my marriage already was! Gottman's first three principles, (1)enhancing your love maps, (2)nurture your fondness and admiration, & (3)turn toward each other instead of away, were all areas we already excelled in.

“There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood.” (Gottman, 2015) Knowing each other, from the ages of seven and nine, has aided us in building detailed “Love Maps” that we continually update. My “Fondness and Admiration” for my husband and his family started long before we ever knew we would be forever connected, and it continues to grow daily. I learned to not lose fondness during hard times. Marriage is meant to help you grow. Goddard teaches, “Through our labors and struggles, we will learn to know good from evil. We will suffer the bitter taste of evil. We will learn to enjoy the sweet fruits of goodness. We can choose and cherish the good.” (Goddard, 2009)

Early in our marriage I started to doubt my husband's love. It's so important to me to emotionally connect through deep, open communication and that doesn't come naturally to him. Growing up with three brothers and a single dad, (his Mom passed away when he was ten) my husband learned to be very independent. I interpreted his independence as him not truly loving me. A class assignment gave me the opportunity to “catch” my husband “Turning Toward Me.” I was sure this was an area of weakness for us and there wouldn't be much to document. I was shocked! When I started looking for the good, not only did I find it, it was abundant! Every day he turned towards me with acts of service, small and large. I realized he had always been turning towards me, being my friend, but I hadn't recognized it because it didn't come in the form I expected. The assignment forever changed what I will look for in our marriage.

After years of observing and scientifically studying marriages Gottman came to the conclusion that, “happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.” He elaborates, “In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don't just “get along”- they also support each other's hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together.” My perspective of how strong our marriage was changed when I realized that we do have a strong friendship, support each other and share the aspiration of becoming an eternal family.

My Marital Weaknesses

The area that my husband and I struggle in is dealing with conflict in our marriage. If things aren't right between us, my husband tends to turn inward and not want to talk through the problem, just hopes it will go away. Gottman found that “Avoiding conflict over a perpetual problem leads to emotional disengagement.” Reading that I felt justified in my frustration with my husband not communicating...until Gottman pointed out that a big part of the problem had to do with me being defensive and contemptuous, two of his four horsemen.

“Defensiveness in all its guises just escalates the conflict, which is why it's so deadly.” (Gottman, 2015) The second I feel even the lest bit attacked my defenses are up and I am ready to fight. I am so afraid of being “walked on” that I regularly (and often wrongly) perceive an attack when that was not the intent of my husband. What I recognized in tracking my actions was that every time I became defensive, my husband either became defensive back, or stonewalled and our problem remained unsolved.

The next area I became aware was a weakness for me was the feelings of contempt I brought to our marriage. Early on I fell into the trap of comparing the weaknesses in my marriage to the strengths I perceived in others marriages. “We enter marriage expecting our needs to be met. We even decide how they should be met. Then, when our partners are unable to meet all of our needs, we become resentful. Our distance and resentment are communicated in subtle – or direct – ways. But the message is clear: “You are not a very good spouse. You are a disappointment. Until you make some major changes, I cannot really love and appreciate you.” (Goddard, 2009) Initially I was hurt that my husband didn't seem to be available emotionally to me. Around the three year mark of our marriage I started blaming him for being “unwilling” to communicate with me. I think that is where the contempt entered in. Instead of continuing to be patience and inviting him to share, I either distanced myself or tried to demand communication. Neither of these methods have succeeded in helping him open up, and being contemptuous has pushed him away further.

Conclusion

"We will continue to be annoyed by our spouses unless we are humbled enough by our own limitations to call on heavenly grace." (Goddard, 2009) I had been humbled enough by my own limitations to call on heavenly grace. The Savior answered the call by supporting, strengthening and loving me in spite of my weaknesses. “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.” (John 13:34) I need to turn towards Christ so I can learn to love as He does. It isn't my job to perfect my spouse, it is my job, my privilege, to love and support him in all that he is and hopes to become. This class helped me to see and appreciate the good in my marriage and inspired me to become a better spouse. I have no doubt that Nicholas Hansen is a gift to me from Heavenly Father and I look forward to continuing our journey of becoming One!

Accepting the Family that Created Your Spouse

"A couple is to become one in establishing their family as the basis of a righteous life.  Latter-Day Saint husbands and wives leave behind their single life and establish their marriage as the first priority in their lives.  They allow no other person or interest to have greater priority in their lives than keeping the covenants they have made with God and each other... 

In Genesis 2:24 God commanded man to "leave his father and his mother, and (shall) cleave unto his wife."  "Married couples should discuss what they will do to protect, maintain, and repair, (if necessary) the invisible boundary or fence that guards their marriage."  To create a strong marriage it is imperative that each spouse knows that they come FIRST to each other.

...Nonetheless, married couples continue to love and support their parents and siblings while focusing on their own families.  Similarly, wise parents realize that their family responsibilities continue throughout life in a spirit of love and encouragement." (Handbook 2: Administering the Church: 1.3 Establishing Eternal Families)

This was the creed we lived by as kids.  I could give my younger sister a hard time but the second any one else dared to, I was right there defending her.  Our marriages would be stronger if we applied this to our in-laws as well.  Our spouse has every right to vent to us about their family.  Our job is to listen in a supportive way without adding in our own observations of our in-law's weaknesses.  (That can be challenging, especially if your spouse has suffered abuse by their family.  In Helping and Healing our Families it states, "The supporting spouse must understand that his or her own anger about the past abuse does not help the spouse who was abused, but may make it harder for the abused spouse to communicate openly.  When spouses can be supportive and listen and not be emotionally reactive, they are better able to help the husband or wife who has experienced abuse...")  Helping to strengthen the relationship between your spouse and their family will ultimately strengthen your own marriage.

To DO'S to create strong bonds with in-laws:

• set boundaries that help ensure your marriage is strong and happy, have regular contact and communication, disclose information about self, accept differences, use empathy, push for relational connection

To DON'TS to create strong bonds with in-laws:

• be forceful, angrily avoid, take sides, be unwilling to accept differences

Hart, C. H. (2005). Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by the family: A proclamation to the world. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book

Unity through the Holy Ghost

Last week we had to turn in a paper addressing our marital strengths and weaknesses.  Here's an excerpt from mine: "The area that my husband and I struggle in is dealing with conflict in our marriage.  If things aren't right between us my husband tends to turn inward and not want to talk through the problem, just hopes it will go away.  Gottman found that "Avoiding conflict over a perpetual problem leads to emotional disengagement."  Learning that I felt justified in my frustration with my husband not communicating...until Gottman pointed out that a big part of my husband not opening up had to do with me being defensive and contemptuous, two of his four horsemen."

How can we resolve conflicts in our marriage and be unified when we come at things so differently?

Elder Eyring in his talk, That We Might Be One, had some great counsel for achieving unity.  "If we are to have unity, there are commandments we must keep concerning how we feel.   We must forgive others and bear no malice toward those who offend us.  The Savior set the example from the cross: "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34).  We do not know the hearts of those who offend us.  Neither do we know all the sources of our own anger and hurt."   

It really struck me that we don't fully know what's going on in our spouses hearts AND we don't always know where our own anger or hurt come from. Case in point: Hairstyle #6ish (in less than a year)

 I wasn't too pleased with the cut and was feeling pretty down.  I called Nick and told him that at least the salon owner had come over and told me I was pretty.  Nick said, "That's a great way to get people to keep coming back, just walk around and tell everyone how pretty they are."  Instantly, my feelings were hurt and I assumed he didn't think the comment was genuine.  I realized later, had I felt confident with the new hairstyle Nick's comment wouldn't have hurt at all, I probably would have replied lightheartedly - "Um excuse me, don't you think I'm pretty foxy!"  Its made me step back and assess where I am at emotionally when I start to feel sensitive towards Nick's words or actions.

How do I forgive others, bear no malice and come to know my spouses heart and my own?

In my life I have found that it has come through the gift of the Holy Ghost.  "The keys of the Priesthood (the power and authority to act in the name of God) are on the earth today.  By its power we can make covenants which allow us to have the Holy Ghost constantly.  Where people have that Spirit with them, we may expect harmony...The Spirit of God never generates contention (see 3 Nephi 11:29).  It leads to personal feelings of peace and a feeling of union with others.  It unifies souls."  (That We May Be One)

I feel certain that one of the greatest blessings of doing school for me is that I made a commitment to read my scriptures everyday before I start my school work.  I know that scripture study has invited the Holy Ghost to be more of a constant companion to me and I believe that is why I am being able to learn and apply the things that God is teaching me.  It is helping me to not be so defensive and to have more love and patience for my family.  I am so grateful for that gift in my life and the unity it is bringing to my marriage.

Fidelity

The family is ordained of God. Marriage between a man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. ...We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God.” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World, Ensign, Nov 1995, 102.)

“Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact (with someone other than your spouse) – but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife.” (Matheson, K. 2009)

“Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.” (Doctrine & Covenants 42:22)

I believe it is becoming increasingly more difficult to “cleave unto your spouse and none else.” There are so many other things that are easier to “cleave” to (friends, social media, gym time, work, to name a few) because they require less effort than a marriage does.  Satan knows that if he can prevent us from giving our whole selves to our spouse, he keeps us from experiencing “great happiness in this life and throughout eternity.” (search Marriage @ lds.org)

“Fidelity may seem to be confining. It always will – unless we adopt God's perspective. “Through the lens of spirituality we see all the commandments of God as invitations to blessings.” Those who have loved faithfully and patiently reap a harvest of joy and companionship.” (Goddard)

Questions Goddard suggests asking yourself to check your complete fidelity:

• Have you set a standard for yourself to avoid spending time alone with a person of the opposite sex?
• Have you carefully monitored your words and actions to be sure that you do not flirt with anyone but your spouse?
• Do you carefully keep yourself out of situations where flirting and immorality are common or acceptable?
• Do you avoid websites, movies, and entertainment that turn intimacy into a matter of lust?
• Do you share appreciation for your spouse with friends so that they know of your commitment and affection for her or him?

Because He First Loved Us!

"At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship."  (John Gottman)

"I believe that the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person-to be born again-to be a new creature in Christ.  When we are more godly, fewer things bother us.  And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in helpful ways."  (H. Wallace Goddard)

Studying Gottman's the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and Goddard's Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage has been an answer to my prayers.  They came at a time in my life when I have been humbled enough that I was ready to accept what the Lord wanted to teach me: Humility and Charity.

My Journey to HUMILITY
I shared previously the reason I was compelled to begin an improvement journey was because we found out we were pregnant with twins.  At the time, we had five children, ages 12, 10, 4, 3 & 1 and I was feeling that life was blissfully chaotic, heavy on both.  (We had waited years for our number 3 and were so happy that 4 & 5 came quickly after!)  I had struggled over the years feeling that Nick and I were not connected as much as we needed to be.  The month before getting pregnant I had been called to fulfill a church calling that required quite a bit of time and energy.  I was barely staying afloat with the "status quo" and was very aware that adding two more babies was going to be just about beyond my own abilities.  And I was right.  For the first time in my life, I wasn't strong enough on my own.  Thankfully I had been taught and had practice in turning to the One who is strong enough.

Little by little Heavenly Father was working to soften my heart and allowing me to feel the love the Savior has for me:

That love compelled me to want to be better.  Each week as I worked on another of Gottman's principles, my eye's were open to my own shortcomings and weaknesses that affected our marriage.  My prayers before had been asking for a change in my husband.  I started asking God for a change in my own heart.

"Rather than re-working our partners to our liking, we are invited to cover their weaknesses with our charity!"  (Goddard)

"We will continue to be annoyed by our spouses unless we are humbled enough by our own limitations to call on heavenly grace."  (Goddard)  I was humbled enough by my own limitations to call on heavenly grace.  The Savior answered the call by supporting, strengthening and loving me in spite of my weaknesses.  All He asks in return is that I love my fellowman, especially the man I have chosen to be my eternal companion.

Gottman and Goddard both stress the importance of accepting your spouse not expecting them to change. The path to having the strong marriage I desire is not by trying to change my spouse, but by asking God to allow me to see Nick the way the Savior sees him; with CHARITY.

Soften Your Start-Up!

"Avoiding conflict over a perpetual problem leads to emotional disengagement.  The couple's trust in each other and the relationship declines as they become increasingly trapped in the negativity..."  John Gottman
Gottman's research found that it is very important for couples to address their areas of conflict.  Pushing them under the proverbial rug only leads to emotional disengagement in the relationship.

Spending the last week becoming more aware of  the my "conflict" style, has made me evaluate our interactions with a different perspective.  What I've noticed is I will get bothered by something but instead of bringing it up, I try to push it away thinking that it is just me being petty.  The problem becomes that the four horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, come charging out of me.

Our "Sassy" Wicked Witch of the West!

Case in point: Our daughter was in the play "The Wizard of Oz" last Saturday night.  I was trying to get all the kids ready so we would be on time.  I began to feel frustrated that Nick was still outside working on the car*.  In the stress of the moment, I was thinking, "He doesn't care if we're late.  Why doesn't he think it's important to support our daughter?  Can't he see I need help getting everyone ready?"  I ended up leaving first with all the kids and he didn't make it to his seat until after the lights had gone down.  I'm pretty sure I rolled my eyes (contempt) as he made his way down the aisle and made some snide remark (criticism) when he took his seat.  If my goal was letting Nick know I was irritated: Accomplished!  If my goal was having Nick buy into helping our family not be late again: Failed!

Trying to disregard our perpetual problems isn't achieving my goal of a strong and connected marriage.  We need to learn how to discuss these issues.  Implementing Gottman's 1st principle for solving your solvable problems seems a good way to begin:

Soften your start-up 

It's all in the presentation!  Gottman suggest that being gentle is what most often produces results.  Also, imperative that the four horsemen do not enter the conversation!  He says the best soft start-up has four parts:  (1) "I share some responsibility for this..." (2) Here's how I feel... (3) about a specific situation and ...(4) here's what I need...(positive need, not what you don't need.)

Implementation:  "Nick, (1)I know I need to manage my time better so I'm not so flustered trying to get everybody ready on time.  (2)I feel so embarrassed when we walk in late to something, (3) such as the play.(4)  I need for you to be ready to go on time and I would love help in getting the kids ready."

Hopefully softening my start up will help us begin to solve our solvable problems instead of bumping into them time and time again.

*Nick was working on the car!  He had spent the whole day before helping one of my friend's husband to lay a flagstone patio in his backyard. He had many things that needed doing around our house and he had spent all Saturday working. When I was frustrated that he wasn't helping me, the man was out changing the oil! He wasn't watching TV or being lazy, he was working for our family.  Probably in this situation, I should have just focused on the fact that I have a hard working husband and been grateful for how he was spending his time!

A few other things Nick does:

Landscapes & Maintains our Backyard:

Invents tools to get a tennis ball out of our sewer lines (Don't ask!).  Replaces our sewer line:

Remodels our house:

Provides for and protects his family: 

Yep!  I should focus on being grateful!!!