Small & Simple Things

Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

In the Book of Mormon, Alma teaches us a profound truth, "that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass;" (Alma 37:6)  In Gottman's book the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work his research shows that the way to ensure a happy marriage is not by booking a two week beach vacation (although that can't hurt:) but by "each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life."  Gottman calls it "Turning Towards Each Other."  Is this something that you are doing on a daily basis?  Click here to take the "Is Your Marriage Primed for Romance?" quiz from the book.

How do we get out of our self-centered world and turn towards each other?  President Gordon B. Hinckley stated, "I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one's companion..."  We can start by being kind and helpful and caring more about our spouse than we do ourselves.  What we ultimately must do to truly turn to our spouse is to turn to the Savior.  "The gospel of Jesus Christ is designed to lift our vision from our own petty and relentless wants to something nobler.  "Every man seeking the interest of his neighbor, and doing all things with an eye single to the glory of God" (D&C 82:19)" (Goddard, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage)

It is easy for me to feel justified when I turn away from my husband.  "He should have handled that better.  Why did he do or say that?"  It is more easy for me to be patient with myself than with him.  Goddard goes on to teach,

"Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust God is working to rescue our spouses even as He is working to rescue us.  When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner.  The more we trust God's purposes in perfecting our partners (and don't try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress."  

So there is it.  I need to turn towards Christ so I can learn to love as He does.  It isn't my job to perfect my spouse, it is my job, my privilege, to love and support him in all that he is and hopes to become.  By "small and simple things" I will strive to turn towards my husband and watch as "great things are brought to pass."

Ideas for "Turning Towards Each Other" (from Gottman)

• ask for or give a back-rub (can you tell I like back-rubs:)
• reply when your spouse makes a comment about something
• do small activities together such as washing dishes or watching tv
• be "truly present" when you're together...AKA turn off your phone!
• recognize when your spouse turns towards you and thank them for it

"The Antidote to Contempt"

Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

If, sadly, you've recognized the "four horsemen" in your marraige, there is hope!  Gottman states, "...fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt.  If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree."  He goes on to challenge couples to "Catch your partner doing some little thing right and then offer a genuine appreciation..."

Last week our assignment was to, "consciously work on overlooking the traits/characteristics/faults of your partner that you find annoying and consciously work on nurturing your fondness and admiration for four to five days"

Here is an excerpt from my write up:  "This week I learned the power of holding positive thoughts for my spouse. We will be married sixteen years in April and right now we are on the fast track of life, even though by no means am I an over scheduler. With the childrens' needs, his work, the kids school, church callings, etc, life can feel overwhelming sometimes and it can be hard to carve out “Nick & Rebecca” time. It was so powerful this week basing my thoughts for Nick on fondness and admiration. When times got crazy at home, instead of being frustrated that he wasn't here, or was here and wasn't doing what I thought needed doing, I would focus on the things I cherished about him and it put everything else into perspective.  He has made my dreams come true and sacrifices so much for our family.  I found that it was true what the assignment note said, “the attitude in your mind and heart will be reflected in your actions.” When I thought positively towards my spouse, I felt more in love and I treated him more kindly!"

Principle 1: Enhancing Your Love Maps

"There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood." (John Gottman)  For this reason, Gottman's first principle requires a couple to create "Love Maps" of each other.  These "Love Maps" are where we store all the information we know about our spouse.  This could mean anything from remembering "major events in each other's history" down to knowing what their favorite candy bar is and everything in between.  Providing us an opportunity to focus more on our spouse's wants and needs and less on our own.  H. Wallace Goddard taught, "In striking the marriage bargain, we are (unknowingly) giving up the egocentrisms of childhood in favor of the charity of Godhood.  We make a covenantal step toward unselfishness."  How can we put our spouses needs first if we have 1. forgotten what they are; 2. know what they are but regard them with contempt; or 3. never took the time to learn them in the first place?

The great thing about this principle is it is easy and fun to do!

• Have a date night and play a version of "20 Questions"; whoever wins gets to pick the movie:)  
• Once you find out what they are, make a little gift basket of your spouses favorite things.  
• Help your spouse know you by writing up a "Getting to Know Me" quiz; tell your spouse they get a minute back massage for every answer they get right;)  
• Follow this link to spark some ideas for questions to ask.
• Let me know your ideas!!!

Gottman's research shows that "Keeping in touch...ensures you'll be well equipped to handle any problem areas that crop up in your relationship."  Being willing to take the time and effort to get to know your spouse and being open enough to let them know you, helps lay the foundation of friendship in your marriage.  So let the "Love Mapping" begin and lead you to a stronger, more connected marriage!

Changing Me

Finding out we were pregnant with twins sent me into some serious self-reflection. How was I going to be able to handle this? How would it affect our other children? Was our marriage as strong as it needed to be to support the challenges that would come? I knew some changes needed to be made. As I began the journey, I tried to make everyone else around me change. This did not go over so well. In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard states, “I believe the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person-to be born again-to be a new creature in Christ. When we are more godly, fewer things bother us. And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in helpful ways.” Logically I knew I couldn't change others, but it took a good five months before my heart softened enough to open up to the idea that it was ME who needed to change.

Little by little I worked at strengthening my relationship with Jesus Christ. I had to humble myself and admit that I could not do it on my own and ask for Him to help me. My desire was to ACT as the Savior would have me do and not REACT to whatever was happening around me. This has not been an easy change for me, and it is still something I work at every day. I have good days and bad days, but I will not give up. I know that through the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ we can repent and keep trying every day.

Next to my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in importance is my relationship with my husband. There is nothing I desire more than to be a good help-meet for him. One of our textbooks for this Marriage class is called the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman. After years of observing and scientifically studying marriages he came to the conclusion that, “happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.” He elaborates, “In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don't just “get along”- they also support each other's hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together.” Before getting into the seven principles (which we will study in the subsequent weeks) he lists some reasons marriages fail. Here's a video describing Gottman's “Four Horsemen" that end relationships and should be avoided!

In striving to change me and "be a new creature in Christ” as Goddard suggests and avoiding Gottman's "Four Horsemen" and applying his seven principles to my marriage, I am looking forward to the growth in my own life and in my marriage. I'll keep you posted:)

Marriage Models

Lacking in our society are marriages that stand out as models for others to follow. In the first place, it is hard to find people who have been married for a significant amount of time. When you do find a seasoned marriage, many times the relationship is not one that you would like to emulate. How can the younger generation hope to build strong marriages when good examples are hard to come by?

Elder David A. Bednar (Ensign June 2006) stated, “As men and women, as husbands and wives, and as Church leaders, one of our paramount responsibilities is to help young men and women learn about and prepare for righteous marriage through our personal example.” He goes on to list areas we can be examples in:

• worthiness
• loyalty
• sacrifice
• honoring covenants
• making comfort and convenience of your companion your highest priority
• mutual respect
• affection
• trust
• love

I was blessed to have the model of my Grandpa and Grandma Hatch's “covenant” marriage. They were married in the Temple for time and all eternity and spent 67 years loving and forgiving each other. I watched them put the needs and comfort of their spouse above their own. I saw how fiercely loyal they were to each other.  Many times Grandma counseled me to cleave unto my husband and above all to be loyal to him. “If you are upset with him, go kneel down and tell Heavenly Father five things you love about your husband and then counsel with the Lord about the problem you are having and no one else!” Their example has blessed countless lives and inspired others to seek the joy that comes from a covenant marriage.

Our society is full of contractual marriages where each spouse will only give as much as they feel they are getting from the other person.  We desperately needs more covenant marriages where each spouse is willing to give 100%. (Hafen, B. 1996)  What I've found in my own life is when I am focused on loving and serving others, it brings happiness and joy to my own life. I need to apply that more to my own marriage and make my husband's “comfort and convenience my highest priority.” According to Elder Bednar this will bless our children as well: “As young people notice that we have made the comfort and convenience of our eternal companion our highest priority, then they will become less self-centered and more able to give, to serve, and to create an equal and enduring companionship.” I commit this week to doing that!

REBECCA, dissenting

In October 2014, the majority of the Supreme Court of the United States of America ruled to allow same-sex marriage, quoting Cicero, “The first bond of society is marriage; next, children; and then the family.” They argued that, “Under the Due Process Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment, no State shall “deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law...these liberties extend to certain personal choices central to individual dignity and autonomy, including intimate choices that define personal identity and beliefs.” Effectively changing the meaning of marriage to protect the rights of the individual before the needs of the children. Justice Thomas, dissenting, states, “This understanding of marriage, which focuses almost entirely on the happiness of persons who choose to marry, is shared by many people today, but it is not the traditional one. For millennia, marriage was inextricably linked to the one thing that only an opposite-sex couple can do: procreate.” (p. 99)

With this new individualistic view of marriage, families breaking apart daily, and many married people choosing not to have children, it is understandable why people now view marriage as a right of the individual, not a means of creating and nurturing children.

I believe God has a plan for each of us.  That plan is to come to earth and gain a physical body and have experiences that will help us learn and grow and one day make it possible for us to return to His presence. (Proclamation) “By divine design, both a man and a woman are essential for bringing children into the mortality and providing the best setting for rearing and nurturing children.” (Families in the Church. Handbook 2) In his dissent, Justice Roberts states, “It (marriage) arose in the nature of things to meet a vital need: ensuring that children are conceived by a mother and father committed to raising them in the stable conditions of a lifelong relationship.” (p.44)

In full disclosure, I am positive that many times my husband and I fall short in the raising of our children, and that some same-sex couples do a much better job, but is there enough evidence to abandon what society has defined as the family “for millennia?” Justice Thomas (p. 99) educates us as to why the majority of States have upheld the traditional definition of marriage, “...States formalize and promote marriage, unlike other fulfilling human relationships, in order to encourage potentially procreative conduct to take place within a lasting unit that has long been thought to provide the best atmosphere for raising children.”

So I ask again, “What about the children?” Justice Alito, dissenting, states, “At present, no one—including social scientists, philosophers, and historians—can predict with any certainty what the long-term ramifications of widespread acceptance of same-sex marriage will be. And judges are certainly not equipped to make such an assessment. The Members of this Court have the authority and the responsibility to interpret and apply the Constitution. Thus, if the Constitution contained a provision guaranteeing the right to marry a person of the same sex, it would be our duty to enforce that right. But the Constitution simply does not speak to the issue of same-sex marriage.” (p. 101)

For the above mentioned belief that the family: father, mother, children, is an eternal unit, created and defined by God, and for my concern for the children, I must respectfully decent.

Supreme Court of the United States (June 26, 2015). Obergefell v. Hodges.

http://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/14pdf/14-556_3204.pdf

What About the Children?

“Throughout history, marriage has first and foremost been an institution for procreation and raising children. It has provided the cultural tie that seeks to connect the father to his children by binding him to the mother of his children.” (Amato, 2005)

With the rise of individualism in the United States culture, marriage no longer seems to be about the children, but about the two individuals who create the union. Instead of “What's best for the child?” the questions are “What's in it for me?” “Are my needs being met?” Traditional marriage and family have been a casualty of this mindset. But, what about the children? If marriage was originally set up for them, how are they faring with the weakening of marriage?

• First of all, there are now less children being born.  State of Our Union (2012), reports that, “in the mid 1880's more than 75% of all households contained children...One hundred years later, in 1960, this number had dropped to slightly less than half of all households. In 2011, just five decades later, only 32 percent of households included children.”
  
  John F. Kennedy said that "Children are the world's most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.” Would a society who didn't value children have hope for the future? With more importance put on the individual's needs, less people are willing to sacrifice their freedom to raise children. State of Our Union goes on to say that “...adults are less likely to be living with children, that neighborhoods are less likely to contain children, and that children are less likely to be a consideration in daily life.”
• Making the next point, that many children who are born, will find their need to be raised by both parents put after the needs of their parents. Even though “Research clearly demonstrates children growing up with two continuously married parents are less likely than other children to experience a wide range of cognitive, emotional, and social problems, not only during childhood, but also in adulthood.” (Amato, 2005 p.15) many adults still choose to divorce.
  
   While it is true that hostile marriages are not an ideal setting for raising children, Amato states that “...in a twenty year study, (they) found that the majority of marriages that ended in divorce fell into the low-conflict group. Spouses in these marriages did not fight frequently or express hostility toward their partners...many ended their marriages to seek greater happiness with new partners.

President Harold B. Lee counseled:

If we start focusing on the needs of the child and work to create strong marriages, maybe we, as individuals, will find the happiness we are seeking.